I think this is your way of saying sorry?

I've felt this way before. A break in friendship that's mandatory. I understood at the time that things needed a break, needed to go. There's just some shit you DON'T do, and you did it.

But time has passed, and things heal, and stuff gets better. Maybe they change for the better, maybe they change for the worse. But I'm starting to gather myself up like the scattered pile of leaves that I was. I'm starting to form an identity again, although I didn't realize it was going to take me this long, or that I was even doing it.

God DAMN this growing up business is tough! I've decided to deal with it by letting it be tough and doing other things in the mean time. I've sort of unraveled and blown up all at once while collectively trying to time the expanse of my destruction and figuring out the equal and opposite reaction of my healing at the same time. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose because you knew that you would heal stronger for it?

While in Orlando, my friend Jennie was extremely sick. Really sick. Horribly unhappy uncomfortably sick. So, of course, I drank out of her straw! I gave her hugs. I caught it, because if you can get beyond it you'll be prepared for the next thing.

Oh hell. I don't know who I am. But it sure the fuck is fun living every day trying to figure it out. Haha!

So right, my other point I was trying to make. I think I have done my best to attach myself to people and give give give as much as I was willing and able, so that when things went to hell I could never blame myself. It's a really messed up survival tactic as far as I can tell. But I want to stop this. I'm not going to try something new, or fix it, or change tactics. I'm just going to stop. I'm sort of learning not to fixate everything into a happy bubble until things get so tense it crashes down and I cry. I'm just going to let things function happily the way they work, with OR without me. It's a new concept. I'm going to function with myself happily, regardless if the things around me are going good or bad. I'm going to do me, and a lot more of it. Or less. I don't know, I want to try and stop figuring shit out.

The end!