NY for 1 Year and 3 Days

I'm stuck in this heat, sitting on my bed eating gingersnaps, listening to REM's "Man on the Moon" which I haven't listened to in AGES. I got to the song originally from one of those "Now That's What I Call Music!" (Edition 5, last time I checked 35 was released. Oh god). I bought it for the Moby track, but also in an attempt to clash with modern music my related age counterparts were now listening to. I never could really get into the 98degrees track. I can remember my friend Jennie and I sitting on her bed as she went through her music collection from N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, Boyz to Men, 98 Degrees, ect... I owe her a lot in her attempt to convert me from Spice Girls, Destiny's Child, and all the other 80's music I'd engorged in my ears. I want to encourage my kids to find and listen to their own music. I'm so happy for my 12 year old brother who's learning to use the internet and listening to his own style of music. Our tastes are different, but I like that! He's coming into his own.

I think I offended him this summer, we were laying in the tent, and he was listening to some of my music I was jamming out to. He's trying so hard to fit in, and be "cool". I love him with all of my heart. I super duper miss him, and tell him so all the time when we Skype.

School is coming up soon! I start August 27th, with the following classes:

Shakespeare II

Structure of Modern English

Fundamental Theory of Music

Philosophy, Science, & Culture

I'm super excited to be back in a philosophy class, and is possibly what I'm most looking forward to. I'm also excited to be taking a class about the theory of music. The only class I've really been apart of music wise is ones where I learn to sing. Taking a new approach would be fantastic.

Things that have happened:

- Randomly approached by an older gentlemen at The Met I had a great chat with, gave my email, and proceeded to send me poetry via email

- Running around with Swedish people. Possibly making plans to go out to Sweden and France next summer. France would come with a Swedish girl named.... Alexandra. Haha

- Tried vegan foods, realized Oreos are considered vegan, which is actually kind of scary once you think about it.

- Decided I was going to finally tackle "Shogun" for real. It's so long, but I figure if I can handle that book then I can go for "Gone With the Wind"

- Getting in over my head with a crazy ass schedule. Work, school, choir, possibly picking up a kid every Wednesday for hw, dinner, general child watching stuff. I'm meeting with the mother tomorrow night. I don't know if she's meeting anyone else but this would be a great gig to have. The kid is about my brother's age. I'd be getting paid to do one of my favorite things, interact with kids.

Ahhhh, I won't make this too long. But lots of bubbly brain ideas bursting in my head. More learning, and life long skills. Maturing, which I'd sort of wanted to come to NY to slow down in a way. Sometimes I look in the mirror and worry about the way I function. My pickiness and lack of antics. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Fuck, you're 21. Isn't this what you're supposed to do?" I feel so mature, and in control compared to counterparts. In other ways I'm so impossibly failing and even though I know certain things I can't put them into action.

One of the biggest tackling objectives would be my need to be loved and adored by everyone I know. It's a great quality in one sense, an abusive one in another, and in a final light just plain dumb.

Lastly, I came up with the conclusion that if you're every jealous, or trying too hard to compare yourself to others, just think of this: If we are all connected somehow (and I believe we are), that person riding a Porsche, or drinking a $250 glass of chardonnay, or out having the most amazing adventure, or writing music, or whatever have you that you so desire for yourself, just realize that that is another part of you, living out its life in a different way. Another expression of yourself, in a different body, in a different situation, dealt a different hand. Unfortunately, that does mean that somewhere out there you are on the internet luring kids to your house, committing rape, killing others, and over all being an asshole to other versions of yourself. But alas, there is a balance to this in all.

"I do not wish you joy without a sorrow."

Sickness and Kids

This is now week 6 of battling some weird sickness. I think its probably two different flus or colds or whatever that I got hit with, because there was a period where I was feeling infinitely better. On a really gross note, I went and opened up my Photobooth on my Mac to take a new profile picture, trying to get the courage to do my 10 day picture countdown to my birthday. Alas, I ended up sitting on my bed with the computer on my lap, when I exhaled and created a laaaarge mucus bubble out of the left nostril. Mostly, when this happens, I'd get up and blow my nose. Instead, I sat there in front of the computer watching the bubbles get larger and larger, encouraging just the right consistency.

Seriously, it was fun.

Of course, you're not really supposed to do that. To play with things like that. "It's gross" or whatever. But dammit this has kept me from going to choir on three occasions!

Then, while walking over to the yoga studio yesterday (I now belong to a work/study program. I don't end up cashing in on it often though, because I have to jump on the subway to get there and I'm trying to save every penny right now) I saw this kid, sucking up rain like he was an ant eater and the drops of rain on the railing outside his house were ants. At first, my thought was, "Ugh! Why doesn't someone stop him! That's disgusting!" and then I saw how much fun he was having, and thought: "Man. Why can't I do that? Adults can't do that. Someone will think you're crazy."

This then lead on to a self discovery about how I'd lost a lot of my ability to have fun or be relaxed, and how I'm on my way to being a grumpy old spinster. I refuse to live that life though. Or categorize myself based on thinking a kid shouldn't be sucking up water off of metal. Woah, maybe I should just stop judging myself so much? Gosh.

What is time except a bunch of energy going in one direction?

Sort of messed up really. What if I want to go backwards? How come I have to go in THIS direction? Can time and people go diagonally? I wonder what that would feel like, if this were possible. But mostly, I'm complaining because I can't sleep.

I want to sleep.

But not really.

I resent not being able to, but mostly only for a few nights out of many. This just happens to be one of those nights. So instead of complaining about my brain chemistry, or doing something productive about it, I'm seriously just going to get all mystical and philosophical, and complain about something I can't control. Like time.

Currrrse you time! *shakes fist*

I think this is your way of saying sorry?

I've felt this way before. A break in friendship that's mandatory. I understood at the time that things needed a break, needed to go. There's just some shit you DON'T do, and you did it.

But time has passed, and things heal, and stuff gets better. Maybe they change for the better, maybe they change for the worse. But I'm starting to gather myself up like the scattered pile of leaves that I was. I'm starting to form an identity again, although I didn't realize it was going to take me this long, or that I was even doing it.

God DAMN this growing up business is tough! I've decided to deal with it by letting it be tough and doing other things in the mean time. I've sort of unraveled and blown up all at once while collectively trying to time the expanse of my destruction and figuring out the equal and opposite reaction of my healing at the same time. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose because you knew that you would heal stronger for it?

While in Orlando, my friend Jennie was extremely sick. Really sick. Horribly unhappy uncomfortably sick. So, of course, I drank out of her straw! I gave her hugs. I caught it, because if you can get beyond it you'll be prepared for the next thing.

Oh hell. I don't know who I am. But it sure the fuck is fun living every day trying to figure it out. Haha!

So right, my other point I was trying to make. I think I have done my best to attach myself to people and give give give as much as I was willing and able, so that when things went to hell I could never blame myself. It's a really messed up survival tactic as far as I can tell. But I want to stop this. I'm not going to try something new, or fix it, or change tactics. I'm just going to stop. I'm sort of learning not to fixate everything into a happy bubble until things get so tense it crashes down and I cry. I'm just going to let things function happily the way they work, with OR without me. It's a new concept. I'm going to function with myself happily, regardless if the things around me are going good or bad. I'm going to do me, and a lot more of it. Or less. I don't know, I want to try and stop figuring shit out.

The end!